By Kurt Gensheimer

Back in the early 1990s when I was a few years away from my first driver’s license, one of the hottest cars you could own was the tiny little 1991 Honda CRX Si in yellow. It was small, quick and had an obnoxiously loud paint job that called attention to itself wherever it was. I’d sit in the back seat of my parents’ car as they chauffeured me to and from school, fogging up the window as I gawked at that yellow CRX which was always parked in some lucky guy’s driveway. I saved every waking cent until the day I was old enough to drive and flush enough to buy my own yellow CRX. It never happened. By the time I had enough money, my tastes had changed, and the CRX had morphed into the less desirable Del Sol.

But with the creation of the CRX, Honda had struck a chord with millions of consumers. It was a subcompact that had a look all its own and impressive performance numbers for its day in both acceleration and fuel efficiency. Fast forward 20 years past the fuel guzzling SUV era, and wouldn’t you know it, subcompacts are once again de rigueur. Auto manufacturers have to figure out a way to meet the impending 35 mpg corporate fleet average by 2016, and fuel sipping subcompacts are the way for them to get there, hence the barrage of new subcompacts from every manufacturer.

Honda has harkened the cries of CRX fans everywhere and introduced the new CR-Z, which is aimed to have the looks and sportiness of the original CRX combined with the hybrid efficiency of the new Insight. Mazda has taken its ‘gram’ strategy of cutting unnecessary fat everywhere possible to create a subcompact weighing a mere 2280 pounds, the lightest car in this comparo by an incredible 300 pounds. Ford has finally employed its strategy of a global platform and brought the wildly successful European Fiesta to the States, the first time a Fiesta has been sold on US soil since 1980.

Each of these subcompacts comes from a unique perspective, and concurrently, their redeeming qualities attract a unique buyer. We firmly believe that every car on the road today is ideal for someone, so rather than ranking these micro machines from first to last, this review will show which car appeals to which buyer the most. Because really, all three are terrific machines in their own respect, each with unique attributes that appeal to totally different consumers.

By Kurt Gensheimer

Blings

• New boxed frame  design virtually eliminates flex
• Exceptional interior fit and finish for a work truck
• 10,000+ pound towing capacity even for the gasser V-8

Dings

• Kidney-jarring buckboard ride from the rear end
• Massive dimensions require a formal ‘plan of action’ every time you park
• 8,000+ lb GVWR exempts GMC from posting the atrocious MPG numbers on the window

Ruling: Unless you tow a trailer or haul thousands of pounds in concrete every day, you have no business owning a truck this big and manly.

GMC is trying to be like the Levi’s jeans of the truck world; rugged enough to handle any “Professional Grade” project, yet stylish enough to be cleaned up and taken out for a night on the town. While it’s true that the 2011 GMC Sierra 2500HD is more than ready for any herculean towing or hauling mission you bestow upon it, the whole night on the town thing is still up for debate.

To wit: does your wife possess the muscular fortitude to open the iron-reinforced door of an armored Brinks truck? Because it takes about the same amount of strength to open the door on a Sierra HD. So unless your wife can bench press you, she probably won’t be getting out of your truck without A) your gallantry B) a valet attendant or C) her pulling or straining something.

All hyperbole aside, the 2011 GMC line of trucks truly are designed for the dual purpose work site/country club lifestyle, as evidenced by the new Denali trim package which helps push the MSRP well over $60,000…for a pickup. Sure, it has navigation, leather seats, heated steering wheel, and every other accoutrement most often found on luxo-utes like the Escalade, but when the sun sets, it’s still a pickup truck meant to haul some major-league mass. And if you’re not using the truck most of the time for this purpose, you’re wasting money and gas while receiving a buckboard ride and an earful from your lady friend who can’t get out of the truck without debilitating herself.

Having typed that, if you’re still here reading, let’s get into the dirty details of all the improvements GMC has made for the 2011 Sierra 2500HD.

Performance

Now most folks who require the brawn of a full-size pickup truck for not only the payload capacity, but also for towing, tend to opt for the diesel. But our tester came with the recently revised and gasoline-powered 6.0 Liter VORTEC V-8, a motor  that offers as much power as any reasonable diesel of only a few years ago. Rated at 360 horsepower and 380 lb.-ft. of torque (with 90% of that torque available at 2,000 rpm), depending on the chosen configuration, the VORTEC can haul up to 13,000 pounds and carry a 3,700 lb payload. In addition, our 2500HD in the SLE trim was equipped with a six-speed automatic featuring manual shift and tow-setting buttons on the column shifter, along with a mechanical locking differential and integrated trailer brake controller.

Because of it’s GVWR that’s north of 8,000 pounds, it is exempt from displaying EPA fuel economy numbers. And because we didn’t have enough quality mileage behind the wheel to get long-term MPG numbers, your guess is as good as ours. Figure 12-15 mpg with an empty load on the freeway and maybe 10 mpg towing. It’s probably better the ratings aren’t published, because they surely aren’t good.

To help control the 6,000+ pound curb weight of the Sierra, in addition to whatever mass you’re hauling, GMC has stepped up the braking power for 2011 by increasing rotor diameter from 12.8 inches to 14. The Sierra’s front independent front suspension – the only full-size truck to offer IFS – has been upgraded to forged steel upper A-arms and cast iron lowers to give it a gross front axle weight rating of 6,000 pounds. But perhaps the most marketable upgrade is the fully-boxed, ladder frame chassis which has significantly increased torsional rigidity.

In addition to added torsional rigidity, the new chassis design also features a kidney-clattering ride. With an empty bed and the tow-rated tires at 75 psi, the behavior from the rear makes a 19th Century buckboard seem more agreeable. Get on a potholed stretch of pavement and hold on tight. Any items not already secured will surely be on the floor.

And when you try to take air out of the rear tires to soften up the ride, the tire pressure warning system comes on at anything below 70 psi. Although the independent front suspension does a terrific job of dampening the ride, it makes for a strange road feel dynamic like a horse that prances gracefully in the front and bucks like a bronco in heat out back.

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From its inception until the 1970s, Cadillac was definitely the car for Americans who “made it” in life. It was a car that defined class, elegance and success. Of course, the 1970′s disco era and the oil crisis really wreaked havoc on the Cadillac brand. Ever drive a 1976 Eldorado with the 7L V8 and 180 hp?

‘God awful’ about sums it up.

The eighties were no better, with hunks of crap like the Cimarron, which was simply a rebadged Chevy Cavalier.

The nineties saw glimmers of hope for the brand, especially when the 300 hp Northstar V8 was introduced – a terrific engine even today.

With the success of Northstar-powered V8s in the Allante, Eldo, Seville, and DTS, people slowly started coming back to the brand because Cadillac was no longer a slovenly, gutless anchor weight that only appealed to fans of Glen Miller and Ensure. They were still big, but at least they were more powerful.

My opinion of Cadillac didn’t change until the CTS and XLR were introduced. I never put Cadillac in the same category as a BMW, Mercedes or even Lexus for that matter. But now I do. Why? Because Cadillac trimmed the fat, started offering cars in manual transmissions, endorses a Cadillac branded racing team and has cars like the CTS-V which can eat an M5 for lunch…which is one hell of an achievement. For the first time, they’re successfully balancing performance with luxury, and hence, attracting a younger buyer.

The CTS has completely transformed the Cadillac brand from portly and mundane to svelte and exhilarating. And to build on that success, they introduced the CTS wagon, which is a beautifully designed car that performs well and promises to get a lot of Cadillac buyers out of their Escalades and into something more sporty and practical. The follow-up is the CTS and CTS-V Coupe which appeal to the 2-door crowd.

Cadillac is positioned for greatness once again – assuming Dan Akerson doesn’t screw everything up at GM.

By Kurt Gensheimer

Blings:

• Interior silent as a monastery
• Incredible amount of rear legroom
• Beautifully crafted inside and out

Dings:

• Visibility so bad it should come with a Surgeon General warning
• Torque steer (yes, it’s front-wheel drive)
• Low rear door clearance devours heads

Ruling: It might be riddled with blind spots, but the new LaCrosse is also riddled with style, performance, luxury and value.

Never before has an automotive brand represented two completely polar opposite demographics as Buick does in the United States and China. In the U.S., the cache of Buick has grown as old and decrepit as it owners, whereas in China, Buick has emerged as the automotive brand representing a thirtysomething’s arrival into the material world. In China, the average Buick owner is a youthful 32. In the U.S.? More than twice as old.

Which is exactly the reason why last year when half of GMs automotive brands were on the chopping block, Buick was spared. Depending on who you ask, we can either thank or blame the Chinese for saving Buick. Although the Chinese are well-known in America for their manufactured junk worth less than the packaging it’s wrapped in, after driving the 2010 LaCrosse – a car which was entirely designed in China – we can’t find any Chinese junk here. Unless of course you’re referring to an actual Chinese Junk ship, known for it’s unsurpassed efficiency and ease of handling; two characteristics also found in the new LaCrosse.

First Impressions

The first time you lay eyes on the LaCrosse, you brain registers Lexus ES 350. But this wouldn’t be an entirely fair comparison, as the Lexus looks rather mundane sitting next to the LaCrosse. Additionally, when we pulled up to a stop light next to a 2005 LaCrosse, the design improvements really set in. Styling-wise, the new LaCrosse is 90 million miles ahead of the LaCrosse of only five years yore. It’s hard to believe they even share the same badge and nameplate.

So the outside of the LaCrosse looks good with its generous chrome accents, 19″ inch rims, high shoulders and tasteful hood vents, but what about inside? Recently, GM has been notorious for pairing world-class exterior design with bush-league interior appointments containing more plastic than a Rubbermaid warehouse. But this isn’t the case with the LaCrosse; it’s every bit as sculpted and eye-catching as the exterior.

Performance

On the road, the first observation we made was how absolutely silent the cabin was. Scary silent. So silent that even at freeway speeds we could still hear ourselves think ‘how silent is scary silent?’ This scary silence can be attributed to the acoustic glass used in the front windows and the five millimeter thick glass in the back. Not only do buyers associate silence with quality, but they also associate it with luxury. Two elements which the Buick brand has been lacking for decades.

A third element is performance. Aside from the radial roasting Buick GNX of the mid-1980s, the Buick brand has long lost any aspirations of performance – until now. The LaCrosse is offered with three direct-injection powerplants: a 2.4 liter four-cylinder, a 3.0 V6 and the one we tested in the CXS, a 3.6 V6. In our opinion, at least for the LaCrosse, the 3.6 is the only way to go. The car’s 4,000 pound curb weight makes the smaller engines seem underpowered. With 280 horses and 208 ft. lbs. torque powering the front wheels, the LaCrosse is quick with a mid-7 second 0-60, outstanding throttle response and fuel-efficient to the tune of 17 mpg city and 27 mpg freeway. Even with our frequent throttle stomps, we averaged a shade under 23 mpg over nearly 400 miles of driving.

The LaCrosse is based on GM’s successful front-drive mid-size luxury sedan platform, but as with any front-wheel drive car putting down 280 horses, torque steer is an issue, but only a slight one. Quite honestly, in an outright performance-oriented sedan like the Acura TL Type S, you expect a little torque steer. But in a Buick? We weren’t prepared for it. But perhaps it’s about time our expectations change.

The LaCrosse handles like no other Buick sedan in memory. Smooth, controlled and tight in the corners, the LaCrosse has no problems aggressively tackling interstate cloverleaf onramps, and it gives you plenty of notice when it’s running out of talent. Our tester had the Touring Package, which features a continuously variable real time damping system with sport mode capability. You probably won’t find yourself salivating to get it out for a back country flog, but the combined engine thrust and tight handling (particularly for a Buick) will still bring a smile to your face each morning on the way to work. And not much to say about the tranny except it hasn’t changed much from previous Buicks – which is to say it shifts smooth and quiet as still water on a pond.

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By Kurt Gensheimer

Blings:

• Outstanding value
• Head-turning exterior design
• Performance on par with Civic Si
• Class-leading rear seat legroom

Dings:

• Rage-inducing drive-by-wire throttle
• Vague clutch takeup
• Cheeseball speaker LEDs
• Rear seat headroom fit for the Headless Horseman

Ruling: Behold, the very first Kia that you’d actually want to be seen in.

We all know the post September 11 airport arrival and departure procedure; pull up to the curb, race around to your spouse/friend/next-of-kin, give them a hurried kiss/handshake/hug, yank their luggage from their hands, huck the luggage in the trunk and peel rubber outta there before the big bad airport security guy threatens to arrest you for obstruction of national security.

I was completely prepared for this routine when picking up my wife at the airport in a copperhead-colored 2010 Kia Forte Koup SX. I zoomed up to the curb, leaped out of the car, and before I could even give her a smooch on the cheek, I heard a dreaded, low, grumbly voice. “HEY!”

Busted. I couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t parked for more than five seconds. Could this guy be serious? I turned to see airport security guy standing with his bulging arms crossed, peering through his reflective silver sunshades. “Hey, man.” Oh boy, here it comes. “What kind of car is this?”

It took me a half-second to realize that he wasn’t about to tongue-lash me. Astonishingly, he was interested in the car.

“It’s a Kia.”

“A Kia, huh? Hmmm….”

As the cars lined up behind me, scrambling for their passengers, airport security guy walked a 360 around the car with his hand rubbing his chin in deep contemplation. At that point I realized the Koup’s good looks bought me a few minutes of time.

I casually loaded my wife’s luggage, nodded confidently at the dumbfounded curbside passengers witnessing this inexplicable event and strolled over to airport security guy.

“Not bad. Not bad,” he said as he ran his hand along the sloping roofline. “I like this machine.”

A smug “thanks” was all I could muster.

“All right, well, now you have yourself a good one, sir. Okay?”

As we pulled away from the curb, airport security guy stopped a line of traffic, gave us a smile and politely waved us out. Just as I was about to thank him, his countenance grew fierce and he turned to the $100,000 Porsche Panamera behind me and roared, “Move that pathetic, overpriced hunk of kraut crap now or its gonna wind up where it belongs…on a flatbed!”

Because this incident happened on the very first day of my week-long relationship with the Forte Koup, I realized right away that this car represents a dramatic shift in a new direction for Kia. No longer the laughing stock of the automotive industry, in the past three years Kia has stepped up its game something fierce.

So fierce in fact, that in 2006, Kia recruited the designer of the original TT away from Audi to create new designs like the Forte Koup, which explains some of the Koup’s styling features resembling the German marque, and perhaps also explains why airport security guy was so drawn to a car costing no more than $20,000.

Performance

The Koup isn’t all flash and no dash. The SX model we tested came equipped with the larger 2.4 liter powerplant generating 173 horses and 168 lb-ft of torque. The Koup is good for a 0-60 sprint just over seven seconds in duration and a quarter mile time of 15.7 @ 91 mph – numbers on par with more respected and expensive models like the Civic Si, Scion tC and Mazda3. Also on par are the fuel economy numbers, which in our 6-speed manual equipped model were rated at 22 city and 32 freeway (23/31 in automatic guise).

The motor has adequate pickup, but power falls off a cliff after 5,000 RPMs. The exhaust note is sporty without the typical thrashiness you’d expect from a sub-$20,000 compact.

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By Kurt Gensheimer

Blings:

• Most attractive modern BMW roadster design yet
• Exhilarating, more powerful twin-turbo inline 6
• Lightning-fast shifts from the 7-speed dual clutch tranny
• Retractable hard top delivers best of both motoring worlds

Dings:

• Too much technology for the inherent simplicity of a roadster
• Too much weight for the inherent svelteness of a roadster
• For the price of one Z4, you can buy both a hard and soft top Miata

Ruling: Not quite the ultimate driving machine, but most definitely the ultimate luxury and technology machine which strays from the traditional characteristics of a roadster.

Wind in your hair, bugs in your teeth, a sore back, ears that ring for days, the fiercest case of sunburn you’ve ever had, a heater with less ferocity than an asthmatic 90-year-old; these are the experiences most people associate with 2-seat roadsters. And despite what some of these may seem as uncomfortable, that’s exactly what the experience in a classic roadster is supposed to be; uncomfortable but real as a heart attack.

Think Austin-Healey, MG, Datsun 1600 and the Porsche Speedster; these are cars which helped define the uncomfortable-yet-endearing persona the 2-seat roadster. Mazda understood this concept and in 1990 released the Miata, which went on to sell more than 850,000 units, the highest-selling 2-seat roadster in history. Why was it so wildly popular? Because Mazda took the visceral road feel, light weight and deft handling of a classic 4-cylinder roadster and modernized it with more safety features, accouterments and a heater with the ferocity of an asthmatic 60-year-old.

Now of course the Bavarians could not take the success of Mazda without developing a roadster of their own guise. After all, BMW was one of the early pioneers of the roadster, putting their blue and white propeller badge on one of the most beautiful roadsters ever designed; the 507. The same car which inspired the über-roadster Z8 and the model we’re discussing today, the Z4.

Design

Since it’s introduction in 1996 as BMW’s first modern roadster, the Z3 took Mazda’s formula of mixing visceral road feel with modern amenities and upscaled it with German luxury, engineering and the addition of a 6-cylinder engine – a step Mazda still has never taken. The car was reasonably attractive and sporting, and sold well. But when the Z4 was introduced in late 2002, many enthusiasts rubbed their eyes with double, triple and quadruple takes while gasping in horror.  To put it as nicely as possible, the Z4 did not inherit the awe-striking beauty of it’s forebear, the 507.

What a difference a redesign makes.

In its first year, the second generation Z4 already garnered the praise and respect of automotive designers around the world. Automobile Magazine awarded the Z4 2009 “Design of the Year Award” as well as earning the coveted “Red Dot Design Award”. But you don’t need trophies and accolades to know that the new Z4 is a gorgeous car; you can see that with your own two eyes, assuming they function properly.

And you can thank the two…ahem…women team for designing an interior and exterior which exudes luxury, sophistication, sportiness and above all, the visceral beauty of a roadster much like the 507. Women really do know what men like; not that women won’t buy the Z4. Quite the contrary. They’re probably more likely than ever to now buy it because it no longer resembles a horribly deformed shark dressed in sheet metal.

Of course, the big news with the new Z4 is the retractable hardtop – a feature which suddenly tips the traditional notion of a 2-seat roadster on its proverbial lid. Yes, with the Z4 you can now have both the freeway serenity of a coupe coupled with the raging windstorm of a open top roadster, and you can have it in only 20 seconds – the paltry time it takes for the near silent top to retract into the trunk.

With the new Z4, the complete impracticality of a 2-seat roadster becomes ever-so slightly less impractical. Even with the top in the trunk, you can still get 6 cubic feet of storage space. Hey, it’s better than zero. And despite the maximum capacity of 11 cubic feet with top up, it’s clear BMW is trying really hard to make the Z4 appear as practical as possible, as evidenced by the ‘pass-through’ door from the trunk so one can fit golf clubs and…skis? Really? What kind of skis would these be? Skis for dwarfs?

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Review and photographs by Kurt Gensheimer

Blings:

• Sedan-like handling
• Exterior style that competitors lack
• Unique LED ‘eyebrow’ lights
• Copious interior space for its size (excluding rear middle seat)

Dings:

• Useless rear middle seat
• Interior colder than refrigerated German coleslaw
• Options push sticker past the $50K cringe point
• Where’s the 2.0T?

Ruling: Eventually we’ll all end up driving wagons again, but until then, the Q5 eases the transition with a perfect blend of SUV and station wagon characteristics.

What’s old is new again. Take station wagons for instance. Between the 1950s and 1980s, they were all the rage. Remember the Brady Bunch mobile? Or how about the ’87 Buick Electra Estate wagon in Adventures in Babysitting? And of course, who could forget the venerable Family Truckster; half Mercury Grand Marquis half Godawful Hollywood creation. Then the 90′s came, and with the introduction of the Ford Explorer, suddenly the SUV craze took over for the next 15 years. The age of wood-paneled wagons was over.

As we enter a new decade, the excess of hulking, guzzling SUVs has fallen from vogue, and although the wood-paneling may not reappear, with the recent launch of the Ford Flex and Cadillac CTS Sport Wagon, people are starting to rediscover the merits of wagons. However, there are some buyers out there who want to step down from their SUV, but aren’t quite ready to embrace the wagon again. Enter the exploding Crossover Utility Vehicle (CUV) market.

In the past five years, the Crossover market has grown from Toyota RAV4 spartan to the opulence of BMW X3s, Mercedes GLKs and Lexus RX350s. But up until recently, Audi was missing from the picture. There needed to be an Audi which filled the void between the A4 wagon and the Q7. With this year’s release of the Q5, Audi makes up for lost time with not only a vehicle that measures up to all the aforementioned opulence-mobiles, but takes the Crossover game a level higher.

Performance

One of the most distinct advantages the Q5 has over its competitors is in the performance department. The first time you enter a bend in the road, the resulting grip, resistance to body roll and positive feedback you feel through the steering wheel makes you realize the Q5 is more car than truck. So it should come as no surprise that the Q5 shares similar wheelbase, chassis design, quattro system and 3.2 liter V6 engine as the A4 sedan and the A5 coupe. To enhance its handling characteristics, the Q5 is also available with the optional ADS (Audi Drive Select) system, which dials in handling with driver-adjustable suspension, transmission settings and variable rate steering that is lighter at low speeds and heavier on the freeway.

The V6 powerplant puts out more than an adequate 265 horsepower and 243 lb.-ft. torque, and when combined with the quattro drive system, achieves sprints to 60 in a shade under 7 seconds. Although we find the combined power of the V6 and the 18 city/23 freeway fuel economy numbers passable, we can’t help but wonder where the 2.0T four-cylinder is that Audi/Volkswagen seems to outfit in almost every one of their midsize vehicles. Not only is the 2.0T more fitting for the size of the Q5 – resulting in less weight, higher fuel economy numbers and a lower MSRP – but the 2.0T also produces more torque than the V6 (258 lb. ft).

With no 2.0T option visible on the 2010 horizon, it seems buyers will have to make do with the 3.2 in the interim. Not that this is a bad thing. For example, the 3.2 V6 is capable of towing 4,400 pounds; something the BMW X3, Lexus RX350 and Mercedes GLK can’t. So if you’re one of those people with a demanding “must have” list which includes car-like handling and truck-like towing capacity, the Q5 should be on your short list.

Safety

Like most German vehicles, the Q5 is stout. Built like a brick you-know-what, and plenty safe enough for your most prized cargo. It received a 5-star rating for all passengers in both frontal and side impact and also earned a 4-star rollover rating, meaning that there’s only a 15 percent chance of  the Q5 rolling in a single vehicle crash, which is on par with some sedans.

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By Kurt Gensheimer

Blings:

• Infinite MPG
• Makes a Prius look like a gross polluter
• $50 MSRP
• Higher quality plastics than a Chrysler

Dings:

• Some assembly required
• Disconnected steering
• Zero headroom
• No cupholders

Ruling: The perfect car for those who can’t qualify for a loan, are looking to downsize, or who are crack contortionists.

Don’t tell Hudson, Ohio-based toy maker, Little Tikes, that the automotive industry is in the doldrums, they’ll hear nothing of it. In it’s 30th year of production, the Cozy Coupe remains the best selling car in the United States. With over 457,000 units sold in 2008, the Coupe outsold both Camry and Accord, and with 10 million units sold since its launch in 1979, it’s in the top 20 of most popular cars ever produced.

Why? Well perhaps it’s because you don’t have to register, smog or insure a Cozy Coupe. Or perhaps it’s because there are no oil changes, electrical nightmares, expensive service intervals, knucklehead dealerships to deal with or any of that other nonsense. But the most probable reason for the Cozy Coupe’s popularity is its ridiculously low sticker price of $50. Talk about coming in at the bottom of the market. The Tata Nano has nothing on the Cozy Coupe.

Our first impression of the Cozy Coupe was its remarkably compact size. The smart car also got nothing on the Cozy Coupe. At a scant 20 inches in length, this machine can fit literally anywhere. Forget parking it in the garage, you can park the Cozy Coupe in your downstairs half bathroom. And at a featherweight 20 pounds, you can even park it in your upstairs half bathroom. Or how about in your coat closet? Talk about convenient. You can get your overcoat, briefcase and car all behind one door.

Performance

Unlike high performance gasoline-powered cars which use an Otto cycle engine for peak power at the cost of fuel efficiency, and newer Hybrid drivetrains which use an Atkinson cycle engine for peak fuel efficiency at the cost of power, the Cozy Coupe turns back the technology clock thousands of years for a far more established and reliable propulsion system – the Flintstone cycle.

Peak horsepower and torque is completely variable with the Flintstone cycle, which is unprecedented for any car in history. Depending on numerous factors not limited to the driver’s overall leg strength, cardiovascular fitness, coordination and motivation for injury, the Cozy Coupe can travel anywhere from 1/8 mph to a blistering 20 mph. Direction and speed of wind, slope of hill and malice of person pushing from behind can skew these numbers even higher.

But not as impressive is the Cozy Coupe’s handling characteristics. The steering is disconnected, quite literally, making the handling less communicative than a five-year-old playing Nintendo. But on the positive side, the Cozy Coupe features a shopping cart 360-degree turning radius, which really comes in handy when you get the Coupe awkwardly lodged in the bathroom between the wall and the toilet.

Braking performance was also dependent upon the driver, with the best 5 mph to 0 test results coming from drivers with quadriceps larger than 20 inches in circumference and shoes with Vibram rubber soles. Flip-flops fared the worst, as did one-legged occupants.

Fuel economy was unparalleled to any vehicle we’ve ever driven, as the needle didn’t move a single micrometer during the entire test period. The Cozy Coupe doesn’t have an EPA rating, but if it did, it would be ∞ city/ ∞ highway. If Detroit’s not so Big Three want to make sure they slam dunk the aggressive 35 mpg CAFE standard by 2020, they better start coming out with a direct competitor to the Cozy Coupe.

Build

Build quality of the Cozy Coupe is exceptionally high, as evidenced by the millions of Cozy Coupes still roaming the driveways and sidewalks of America. It’s got to be pretty embarrassing for a company like Chrysler when the plastics on a $50 car you can buy at a toy store are more durable and scratch resistant than the plastics they put in the interior of a Sebring which costs 500 times more.

Interior

Although the interior is extremely spartan and tighter than a suitcase, once you’ve wedged yourself inside, it’s not much more unbearable than sitting in an original Mini-Cooper. The steering wheel is a classy three-spoke affair with a tastefully recessed horn button, but the horn is far from adequate. Regardless of how hard you punch it, the horn emits no more audible authority than the squeaky wimper of a canine chew toy.

The ignition switch is mounted on the dash to the right of the steering wheel, and uses Little Tikes’ new “Smart Key” technology, where the key can be pushed in and pulled out, but cannot be removed from the ignition. The ignition turns and clicks, just like an old Ford with a bad starter, ignition switch, battery or all of the above. But because the Cozy Coupe is powered by a Flintstone cycle engine, the ignition is nothing more than pure novelty.

Every Cozy Coupe has one operating door on the left side of the car, making for ingress and egress that aids and abets insult and injury for anyone stupid enough to think they can actually fit in the Cozy Coupe. Unfortunately, for all those international motorists who’ve grown up driving on the right hand side of the car, there are no current plans for a Cozy Coupe with a right side door.

Legroom is laughable. You’ll spend more time chewing on your kneecaps than you will stretching out in the Cozy Coupe. This is not a long road trip highway cruiser. The Cozy Coupe is best for short trips, no more than five to ten minutes in duration.

To help meet any potential NHTSA crash test safety ratings, the Cozy Coupe is now equipped with higher seatbacks and thicker A-pillars. Additionally, rear cargo capacity is generous, allowing for both a Capri Sun and a box of Animal Crackers to easily be stored. But we really would have liked to see at least 3 cupholders for added convenience. It takes a masterful contortionist to fit in the Cozy Coupe, but then requiring a bent body to reach in the back for a refreshment almost guarantees some kind of joint dislocation.

Exterior

The Cozy Coupe takes a page out of the New Beetle design book, with exaggerated, tall ceilings and fat A-pillars – which does come at a cost of reduced visibility. But for those who can’t fit their head inside the Cozy Coupe to begin with, this is a moot point.

The Cozy Coupe also takes a page out of the mid-1970′s Lincoln Continental design book, with a rear trunk lid known as the “Continental hump” which proudly reads “Cozy Coupe”. By combining the fun, carefree design of the New Beetle with a disco-inspired, cocaine-binge, St. Louis-pimp appearance of a 1975 Continental, the Cozy Coupe pulls off a most unnatural combination with tasteful aplomb.

Value

This car costs $50. End of discussion.

Who Should Buy It

The most obvious target audience is anyone between the ages of 1 and 5 years old, but of course they’d wouldn’t actually be the person buying it. This is where the secondary target market comes in – the person buying it, most likely an adult, who may have just recently lost their job, can’t qualify for a car loan, has credit card debt out the yingyang and is looking for the least expensive and most fuel efficient car in existence.

Conclusion

The Cozy Coupe was born in 1979 during unsettled and uncertain times in America’s history, much like what we’re experiencing today. Despite the tumult then and now, the Cozy Coupe has endured 30 wildly successful years, and continues to bring joy and happiness to millions of children. But as families downsize their vehicles and budgets, the Cozy Coupe is perfectly positioned to expand its usefulness beyond the realm of daycare centers and 4-year-old birthday parties. The Cozy Coupe is positioned for automotive greatness.

By Kurt Gensheimer

Blings:

• Powerful, Fuel Efficient, Clean and Quiet V6 diesel
• Off-road prowess
• Exceptional value
• Safer than a nuclear fallout shelter

Dings:

• No 3rd row seating (but this could actually be a bling depending on one’s affinity for hauling bodies)
• Umm…that’s it, folks!

Ruling: If you want an SUV that can do everything but schlep more than five passengers, stop your search here.

We Americans are stubborn folk. Once we make up our mind on a topic, there’s no going back no matter what. Want proof? Take for instance the antiquated opinion most Americans still have about diesel cars. Despite the horrible reputation of stench, pollution, gutlessness and noise that diesels built for themselves in the past, based on the sales of diesel cars in America today, we still can’t seem to get past this old – and now completely unwarranted – reputation.

Repeat after me – “Diesel are powerful, clean, fuel efficient and quiet.” Say it again. Then keep saying it until you actually believe it and would consider buying a diesel as your next vehicle.

Say you’re in the market for a new luxury SUV. Why wouldn’t you want one that can get 30 mpg on the freeway and generate over 400 lb. ft of torque to tow 7700 pounds all while emitting less pollution and noise than a gasoline engine? Could it be price? Well, for the luxury SUV I’m referring to in this instance, the 2009 VW Touareg 3.0 TDI, the base price is a scant $42,800 – less than some larger domestic luxury SUVs which have lower towing capacity and half the technological sophistication, handling and refinement.

I’m not going to wait until the end on this review before getting down to those proverbial ‘brass tacks’ – the Touareg 3.0 TDI is the SUV that all prospective buyers in the luxury SUV segment should be driving. Why?

• It’s Powerful - the new 3.0 V6 TDI engine puts out 225 horsepower and 406 lb. ft. of torque.
• It’s Fuel Efficient – 17 mpg in the city and 25 on the freeway are listed on the sticker, but we were getting 30 mpg on the freeway while tenderfooting it.
• It’s Clean - The 3.0 TDI is 50-state emissions legal, and the only black plumes of smoke you’ll see escaping the Touareg are from the idiot who inadvertently flicked his cigarette into the back seat, torching the entire interior.
• It’s Quiet – No rattling, clacking, thwacking, ticking or any other onomatopoeia with an -ing suffix. It’s as quiet as a gasoline engine.
• It’s Safe – the Touareg earned 5 stars in every NHTSA crash test except the rollover rating, which it received 4 stars.
• It’s Luxurious – Although VW hasn’t quite earned luxury brand status, the Touareg shares the same platform as the Porsche Cayenne and Audi Q7 – at half the price. Any vehicle which shares the platform of a six figure SUV is considered luxury in my book.

The only reason why someone shouldn’t be driving the Touareg is because they either have an abundance of children, ‘stuff’, or some combination of the two. Although spacious, the Touareg lacks third row seating, and has 31 cubic feet of cargo space with the seats up (71 with seats down).

But even in the scenario of too many children or too much ‘stuff’, buying the Touareg might still be a boon. Having a more reasonably sized SUV will help families whittle down all those unnecessary accouterments of life – something that’s becoming all the rage as our country goes through overconsumption detox.

Performance

We’ve already mentioned the vital performance statistics of the new-to-America 3.0 V6 TDI, but we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention how the TDI also excels in other aspects of performance. The 3.0 TDI motor operates on a common rail diesel system, which uses piezo injectors to directly inject fuel multiple times in a combustion cycle. Translation: the engine runs smoothly with virtually no boisterous racket.

It also has an extremely sophisticated exhaust purification system which uses dual catalytic converters and  is injected with a chemical called adBlue, a mixture of 68 percent water and 32 percent urea – yes, uric acid, and no, you can’t micturate into the Touareg – which removes 95 percent of exhaust particulates and turns hydrocarbons and carbon monoxide into carbon dioxide and water. Translation: the exhaust is so clean that you can huff the tailpipe and not die.

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By Kurt Gensheimer

Blings:

• Luxo interior and ride quality
• Microsoft Sync – the only endearing Microsoft product in existence
• Gutsy and fuel efficient Triton V8

Dings:

• Mundane exterior styling…
• …except for the obnoxiously large faux chrome grille
• Cargo loops in bed smaller than a needle hole

Ruling: Although you might not notice at first glance, Ford’s F-150 really is new and improved.

Ask any industry analyst about the current state of the pickup market, and they’ll be heard to mutter words like “vile”, “murderous”, “destitute” and “take a wild guess, Sherlock.” Take for instance Ford’s prediction of nearly 2 million retail and fleet sales of the F-150 in 2009, down 900,000 units from 2008; a sales year everyone would like to forget. Yes, it’s grim, but you already knew that, and this is a review about a pickup truck, not another moth-eaten piece of shoddy journalism about our miserable economy, so I’ll share something you might not know. Despite the economy, Ford is actually seeing a significant boost in sales of their fully-optioned F-150 Platinum and King Ranch models.

That’s right. Although there are many buyers abandoning the pickup market – a place where they probably shouldn’t have been in the first place – those that remain are opting for more luxurious, Comstock loaded F-150s. And with the recent release of the completely redesigned 2009 F-150, a truck which has stepped up the game significantly in the luxury department, Ford’s redesign couldn’t have come at a better time.

First Impressions

To the layperson, and even a truck enthusiast who just takes a quick glance at the 2009 F-150, from the outside it might not seem that anything has changed. But rest assured my fellow toy-haulin’, mobile office workin’, neighborhood Home Depot-run whipping boy, the 2009 F-150 is an entirely different beast. And from the exterior photos, it plainly obvious that these differences are with the interior and the places only the manliest of men (AKA most knuckleheaded of knuckleheads) would venture to put their greasy, grimy hands while pondering the inevitably injurious question; “hmm, what’s this do?”

For starters, the interior boasts improvements such as more refined, luxurious leather upholstery, a redesigned instrument cluster, six extra inches of length for cavernous rear seat room, and larger bins for storing bigger and better ‘stuff’ – the second most important feature for Americans behind cup holders. At its core, the F-150 also boasts a redesigned, fully-boxed frame chassis which according to Ford achieves 10 percent greater torsional rigidity. Also new is a six-speed automatic transmission which, in our test vehicle, was mated to the traditional 5.4 liter V8 recently modified to FFV status so that all those corn shuckers out there can run E85 fuel.

Performance

The chassis is stiffer, the payload capacity is up (3,030 lbs. max) as well as the towing capacity (11,300 lbs. max) and the transmission has not one, but two extra gears.  One would conclude then that the powerplant must be a real stump puller, but your conclusion would be incorrect. Don’t misunderstand, the 310 horses and 365 lb. ft. of torque the 5.4 liter V8 puts out is perfectly adequate 99.9 percent of the time, however, when stacked up against its peers like the 390 horsepower Hemi-powered Fiat…I mean…Dodge Ram, the F-150 falls short in brawn.

However, life is all about balance, and the F-150 balances power with fuel economy better than any other truck on the road. It easily returns 20 miles per gallon on the freeway (14 in the city), while still being able to clock in a sub 8 second 0-60. This kind of performance begs the question, “how much power do you really need?” If you’re going to be towing 11,000 pounds all day, then okay, maybe stepping up to the Hemi or even a diesel truck might be a wise decision. But again, for 99.9 percent of most people’s usage, the F-150 won’t flinch an inch at the task.

Build

One of the most noticeable developments with the automotive world in the past few years -besides the fact that Koreans can actually build nice cars – is that Ford’s build quality is light years ahead of where it used to be. Take for instance interior noise at freeway speeds, an element which consumers inevitably associate with exceptional build quality. The F-150, like almost every one of Ford’s new vehicles, is more hushed than a Berlin Bibliothek. Yes, it’s built far better than its predecessors, however, the F-150′s interior serenity was  interrupted by the grating sounds of a rattling passenger seat. But I think Ford engineers figured that the F-150 had to retain some sort of truckish element, so why not bless it with the classicly truckish rattle seat.

Interior

This is where the F-150 is far and away the most improved. Step inside and you might almost forget you’re driving a truck. That is until you reach for the tree shifter and yank it into ‘D’. Aside from the aforementioned quietness, the F-150′s interior is paired with refined leather upholstry that make this machine a true delight on long road trips. As evidenced by the increased sales of Comstock loaded F-150s, it seems even the most aggro, minimalistic, old-school F-150 owner appreciates the modernity of pickup interiors. I mean, why sweat your jockeys off in the summer on a bench seat that’s harder and more unforgiving than a pew in a Catholic Church when you don’t have to?

Speaking of bench seats, the F-150 also has a nifty front center console which converts into a third front seat. And yes, the console has cupholders aplenty in various shapes and sizes. For rear seat passengers, they’re really in for a treat. The six additional inches of cabin space open up rear seat legroom significantly, resembling the back seat of a Lincoln Town Car. Town Car luxury in an F-150 pickup is almost as blissful as vanilla ice cream on apple pie. Of course, this added cabin space comes at a cost to the shrunken 67-inch long bed, shorter than both the Dodge and Chevy.

On the communications and media front, the F-150 is available with Microsoft’s Sync product, which we consistently pick as the least annoying and most intuitive voice-command system in all of autopia. But a word of advice – don’t even think about trying to manually type addresses into the nav system. If you don’t end up murdering yourself out of paralyzing frustration, you’ll most definitely murder your passenger.  Besides, how much more brainless is it than pressing a button with the image of a phone on it and following instructions. You can follow instructions, right?

The F-150 also boasts optional features like a 10-speaker, 700-watt Sony stereo with Sirius, rear view camera with reverse sensing system (isn’t both overkill?), and a very cleanly integrated trailer brake controller.

Exterior

Not much happening here besides a redesigned front grille that is rather large and obnoxious. And what’s with the massive, gaping hole beneath the front grille? Is there some kind of optional winch that we’re not aware of? And one other minor issue was with the cargo loops. They were so small in diameter that you couldn’t even fit a u-lock through them to secure any loose, stealable items laying in the bed.

Although on the outside the F-150 doesn’t differ much from its predecessor, a tire shop employee astutely commented, “hey, ain’t that the aught niner?” We were astonished, not only at the fact that he knew it was new, but also because he referred to it as an ‘aught niner’. We still can’t figure out why the whole ‘aught’ moniker didn’t take off in 2000.

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