By Kurt Gensheimer

Horsepower. Raw, tire-melting horsepower. Every man worth his chest hair can’t deny it’s one of the first criteria for buying a car powered by a V8. Typically, the more the horsepower and the lower the MSRP, the more attractive it looks. It was the formula that made the muscle car era a piece of American history. But nowadays, American automakers aren’t the only ones making rear-wheel-drive radial roasters; Japan and Germany have also gotten in on the unmitigated horsepower wars, albeit with a little more luxury and refinement.

We recently had a Bridgestone bar-b-que with three fire-breathing, rear/all-wheel-drive V8s representing each of the three respective automaking countries. Japan arrived respectfully in the Lexus IS-F, Germany showed up to the cookout well dressed in the Audi S5, and the United States arrived rockin’ a mullet and Miller Lite in the Dodge Challenger SRT8. Three different V8s, three different countries, and three very different cars.

Although their differences are clear, they all share some items in common - Factory performance division badging, eight cylinders of radial roasting power, and rear or all wheel drive. Our goal with this short take review is to not throw them in a pit, gladiator-style, and have them smote one another down until a victor emerges. But rather to drive all three in succession to really uncover their innate characteristics, their essence, and what kind of buyer they would appeal to most. In other words, whaddya like best: bratwurst, beef teriyaki or bacon cheeseburgers?

Dodge Challenger SRT-8

Bacon cheeseburgers taste damn good, especially when your right foot is simultaneously jockeying 425 horsepower and the tail end of the car is wagging to and fro in a frantic search for traction. Straight line acceleration that leaves a permanent patch of rubber in the asphalt - it’s the American way. And not only does the Challenger show up to the cookout with a 5 second 0-60 time and plenty of melted rubber to lay upon those bacon cheeseburgers, but whoever shows up driving this machine better have some extra time on their hands, because everyone, and I do mean everyone, is going to be stopping you with questions.

Quite simply, if you were a neglected child and are still starved for attention, forget about the IS-F and the S5. Buy the Challenger. Your immature needs will be met in spades. You might even grow tired of the endless flocks of people swarming your car. Pretty soon, your prized possession will be surrounded deeper than a cop car in an L.A. riot.

If you manage to make it out of the crowd, once out on the road, the Challenger’s raspy, baritone growl, buttery, pistol grip six speed manual and frenetic feel deliver plenty of giddy smiles. Just don’t let anyone see you giddy. Keep a straight face. Even mean, in fact. A scowl is good. Practice your scowl in the rearview mirror before pulling out of the driveway. In addition to being attention starved, it’s also a requirement of Challenger owners to have an attitude. If you’re laughing like a little schoolboy when you pitch the car sideways at a right hand turn, people will know you’re not the rightful owner.

The Challenger SRT-8 is a far cry from the Challenger of 70’s lore, as it possesses adept handling, quiet highway ride and a level of refinement which makes it more than just a muscle car remake. In a machine like this, you don’t need a stereo. The 6.1 liter Hemi provides soundtracks aplenty. You will never grow tired of the song the Challenger sings under full trompage. Yes, we were a bit disappointed with the rental-car appearance of the interior, and with 425 horsepower on tap, we were expecting more neck-snapping acceleration than what the SRT-8 actually delivered. But, in the end, if you’re attention-starved, have an attitude problem or really like bacon cheeseburgers, the Challenger is your car.

Audi S5

Going from the Challenger to the S5 is like changing from a Jimmy Johnson tank top and jean shorts into a Formula 1 button-down shirt and dress pants. The S5 is perfectly ornate, perfectly beautiful, perfectly refined, perfectly German. The six-speed manual is smooth as a Munich auburn lager, and the 354 horsepower of the 4.2 liter direct injection V8 catapults the S5 0-60 in a shade under 5 seconds.

Although you won’t garner as much attention driving the S5, you’ll still need to possess an attitude. Although it’s a different attitude than with the Challenger. In the S5, an elitist attitude is the requirement. Purse your lips. Lift your chin. Wear wire-rimmed bifocals. Appear unimpressed always. Look down at people as if they have some kind of deformity. Basically, act German.

The S5 might be the most refined, most luxurious car of the bunch, don’t assume this car can’t get aggro. It’s like my lawyer buddy who shows up to work in a suit and tie, but underneath, half his body is covered in tattoos. The S5 is akin to a well-trained German Shepherd; when not provoked, it’s reserved, quiet, friendly and easy to love, but unleash the beast and all hell breaks loose. The muted growl turns into a ferocious, yet still controlled roar. The intense thrust pushes your body nice and snug into the back of the perfectly bolstered leather-clad seats.

The S5 is not as much an outright hooligan as the Challenger, but more like a well-educated dissenter. It delivers tight, rigid luxury that only a German can provide, but also isn’t afraid to roll up its sleeves once in a while to show off its bitchin’ Scorpions tattoo. If your only goal in life is to impress others with the kind of car you drive, have a professional reputation to uphold, were the token ‘outlaw’ in your Ivy League school, love bratwurst or your first name is Fritz or Helga, then the S5 should be your car cookout choice.

Lexus IS-F

A really well-prepared teriyaki sauce can take ordinary beef and make it extraordinary, which is exactly the case with the Lexus IS-F. The ordinary IS 350 with the 306 horsepower V6 is no doubt a nice car, but Toyota engineers concocted some insane automotive teriyaki sauce for the IS-F. This car is fast. Stupefyingly fast. Blows the doors off both the Challenger and S5 fast. You can’t even blink before the quad cam 5.0 V8 is bouncing off the rev limiter with a cordial chime reminding you to push the little silvery paddle shifter on the steering wheel. And when you do, almost before you even touch it, the eight-speed tranny (yes, eight speed!) shifts to the next gear, catapulting you and all of its 416 horsepower past 60 miles an hour in 4.6 seconds. The ferocious V8 combined with the Ferrari-quick manumatic shifting makes the IS-F the fastest car in this group without debate.

Okay, so it’s fast. But what else? Well, the IS-F has some polarizing design cues. It doesn’t have the refined, sophisticated look of the S5 and can’t benefit from a hot rod heritage like the Challenger, so the IS-F tries to create an unique aura all itself. When was the last time you ever saw dual tipped exhaust stacked on top of each other on both sides? And what about the angular, bulbous DTM-style look on the front fenders and hood? Some people loved these touches, others not so much, but nobody could disagree with the gorgeous Ultrasonic Blue Mica paint matched with the metallic grey wheels.

The interior was equally polarizing. While some might love the white leather interior (this author included), others may shy away from such distinctive interior appointments. The gauge cluster had a very attractive blue and white electroluminescent display and the metallic-looking console and door panels which remind us of a late ’70s Trans-Am really rounded out the sporting feel of the IS-F. And although the IS-F has four doors, there’s only enough seat belts for two in the back.

Lexus has really pulled off an incredible balance of sports car and luxury sedan with the IS-F. Because of its eight speed transmission, highway cruising is serene and subdued. But hit that - paddle on the steering wheel 4 times and suddenly the once hushed cabin turns into a cacaphony of raw, unadulterated thrust. The IS-F is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personified in the form of a car. And unlike the S5 or the Challenger, the IS-F has four doors and no stereotypical prerequisite you must fit under before purchasing. You don’t have to be a “Bud Man” or a sophisticant to own an IS-F. You simply have to have about $60,000, the desire to own a unique blend of luxury and sportiness, and insatible addiction to face-contorting acceleration.

So what are we havin’ for dinner? We’ll take the beef teriyaki. Now we just need $60,000.